Find Articles

Custom Search

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Art of Making Small Talk - Part 2 of 2

Keep it going

How do you sustain a conversation that you have started with a new acquaintance? Here are seven tips

ONCE you have mastered the techniques discussed in yesterday’s article, initiating a conversation with a stranger is the easy part.

The hard part is to keep the conversation flowing.

How many times have you opened a conversation only to see it go nowhere and quickly fade away?

Make it easy for the other person to respond to your overtures. Here’s how:

1. Open questions

The easiest way to sustain a conversation is to ask open questions. Open questions are those that cannot be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No”. They invite responses that encourage further exchanges.

For example, asking: “Do you come here often?” is an unimaginative, closed question that will get you a “Yes” or “No” response.

A better question is: “What do you like best about this place?”

There are many possible responses to this question, and any of them could lead to an interesting conversation.

2. Follow-up questions

While open questions are better than closed questions in sustaining a conversation, closed questions are sometimes unavoidable. When you do get a “Yes” or “No” response, follow it up with another question.

By using follow-up questions, you can sustain a conversation that has stalled.

3. Elaborating

Once you get additional information with your follow-up question, you need to respond in kind. You cannot now give a “Yes” or “No” response without elaborating.

For example:

He: Do you come here often? (closed question)

She: Yes. (predictable response)

He: What do you like most about this place? (follow-up question)

She: The music here is really great! (unpredictable response)

He: Yes, it is. (undeveloped response, conversation stalls)

A better response would be:

He: Yes, I really like contemporary jazz. What do you like? (elaborated response, conversation continues and develops)

Elaborate your responses wherever possible to sustain the conversation.

If the conversation does stall, you can simply ask another follow-up question. Or you can link back to an earlier line of discussion and develop the conversation in that direction.

4. Reserve topics

You should have a few topics in mind to open the conversation, with some in reserve to sustain it.

It is not unusual for a casual conversation to quickly run its course, especially among new acquaintances. If this happens, bring out one of your reserve topics and continue.

You may have to do this several times. The purpose of your exchange is to make contact, find out a bit about the other person and develop rapport.

5. Say something about yourself

Another way to sustain a conversation is to disclose some interesting titbits about yourself.

Most people are very guarded about self-disclosure, especially with people they do not know well.

Self-disclosure often elicits a reciprocal response. If you give a bit, the other person will likely give a bit as well.

6. Showing interest

None of the above techniques for sustaining a conversation will work unless you show interest in what the other person is saying.

Most of this is done non-verbally by maintaining eye contact, nodding and paying attention.

There is also verbal prompting, such as “I see”, “Uh-huh” and “Tell me more”.

7. Closing a conversation

When you wish to close the conversation, strive to achieve closure rather than simply ceasing to speak once the conversation stalls.

How do you end on a high note?

Summarise key points or recapitulate the most interesting point of the conversation. This signals that the conversation is coming to a close, allowing a clean and comfortable break for both parties.

If your counterpart gave you some helpful information or was particularly gracious during your conversation, thank him for it. The thank-you can be explicit, or it may be implied by an appreciative comment. For example, you can say: “I enjoyed talking with you. Have a good evening.”

Throughout all three stages — initiating, sustaining and closing a conversation — remember these points:
  • Smile, make eye contact, maintain an open and friendly posture and use body language effectively.
  • Give your name, and make sure you get the other person’s name as well.
  • Repeat his name and use it a few times during the conversation. This helps you to remember it, and it also helps develop rapport.
  • Maintain an animated facial expression. This makes you appear more interesting and likable.
Small talk need not be intimidating. It is just a way to start a conversation and make contact with another person. When done well, it can lead to big talk!

– Straits Times/Asia News Network

Article by David Goldwich, author of the book, Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

The Art of Making Small Talk - Part 1 of 2

Talking to Strangers

If you find making small talk difficult, try these conversation techniques

IT CAN be uncomfortable to walk up to someone — especially a stranger — and begin a conversation.

A reluctance to initiate a conversation often stems from a lack of confidence. This is easy to remedy.

The key to confidence is preparation. Once you know the techniques for opening a conversation, you can do so with complete confidence. Here are some techniques to help you:

INITIATING A CONVERSATION

First, you need a topic. Most people who are reluctant to approach others simply do not think they have anything interesting to say.

Have a few safe topics in mind before making your overture. A glance at the newspaper headlines should provide you with several topics.

Another great source of topics for discussion is your immediate situation. You may have heard a million of these before: “Do you come here often?” or “So how do you know Richard?”

There is also the all-purpose standby: “Nice weather we’ve been having.”

These openers are not witty or interesting, but they do not have to be. No one expects to build a conversation around them. They are simply a way to open the door to a conversation.

Chances are the person on the receiving end of these mundane lines will appreciate your making the first move and will respond with sincerity.

One of the best opening approaches is a simple “Hi” or “Hello”.

When paired with a smile and spoken in a sincere and enthusiastic tone, this is all you need to make contact.

Of course, you will want the conversation to move forward, so have a few opening topics in mind.

The best conversation openers are:

General. An opener that is too narrowly focused is unlikely to be effective. For example, suppose you are at an art exhibition and decide to approach a fellow visitor.

You could open with: “I really admire the artist’s use of colour and perspective. It gives an ethereal quality to his work.” But this may intimidate the person you wish to converse with. Unless he is an expert, the conversation will not go very far.

A more general approach will succeed. You could say: “This is an interesting exhibition, don’t you think so?” or “I’m not sure I understand what this piece is all about — do you have any idea?” These questions are general enough to elicit a response without alienating your target.

Safe. “Safe” means not threatening, risky, judgmental or strongly opinionated. The old notion about avoiding sex, religion and politics is valid. Your target may love to debate controversial issues, but you do not know that yet.

Stick with safe and mainstream views in the early stages of communication.

Positive. There are plenty of things to complain about. For many people, complaining is a guilty pleasure. But complaints and negative comments can bring people down.

For every negative statement you could make, there is also at least one positive statement.

Choose the positive statement and be regarded as upbeat and optimistic.

Emphasise similarity. People like people who are like themselves. It follows that the best way to initiate a conversation is to make a statement that draws attention to something you have in common.

As suggested above, one area of similarity is your environment. The fact that you are both present in the same place at the same time means you have something in common.

The area of commonality may seem trivial but it provides a starting point for conversation.

Instead of offering your opinion, ask your new contact for his opinion. He will be flattered that you are interested and will be all the more eager to talk with you.

But if you do offer an opinion, keep it in the mainstream until you can safely determine that a more adventurous position will be entertained.

To sum it up, a conversation opener need not be interesting or original — its purpose is simply to make contact. And remember the old expression that a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet!

— Straits Times/Asia New Network

Part 2: Sustaining and closing a conversation

Article by David Goldwich, the author of the book, Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Lessons in Effective Communication.

Who’s Whom?

Make your correspondence more effective by customising it for your specific audience

YOU have done the necessary research, formulated a sensible proposal and even rewritten the final draft for your presentation at tomorrow’s staff meeting.

The only factor you failed to consider is one of the most important components of the communication process: knowing the “who” in “to whom it may concern”.

How many countless documents have crossed your desk that left you scratching your head with their redundant remarks, incomplete ideas or unclear instructions?

I call these “so-what” messages because your likely response to them is, “So what?”

Are you to write a report, hold a meeting, propose a solution or file the information for later use?

Whether it is a presentation to your peers, a memo to your staff or an e-mail message to an associate, it is not always what you say but how you connect to your audience that will determine the success of your messages.

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE

Who is your audience? Are you communicating to an entire client organisation, an average-sized department or a few colleagues?

Are they decision makers, managers or those with veto power?

Is their relationship to you that of a supervisor, a peer or a subordinate?

More often than not, your reports, letters and memos will go through several people either for approval or general information.

When writing to a mixed audience, first rank readers in importance.

After you have pinpointed and ranked each reader or group of readers, give the most important readers their information first.

Knowing your audience will help you streamline your research, shape your key message, select the most appropriate details and adapt your words more appropriately.

KNOW THEIR CONCERNS

What are your readers’ interests? Part of knowing “to whom it may concern” involves knowing their concerns, biases and backgrounds.

Vocabularies, areas of expertise and even mindsets differ as you move across company hierarchies, as well as up and down them.

What is of little concern to a chief executive officer may hold greater interest to a sales manager and be of extreme importance to a marketing director.

Management will most likely be concerned with issues regarding profit projections, a project’s overall significance to the company, corporate image concerns and necessary steps in planning.

General professionals will be more concerned with the day-today issues, such as why a project is undertaken, how the research is carried out, how the policy will be re-evaluated and what specific part they play.

Specialists will be more interested in information required to do a specific job such as statistics, forms, flow charts, maps, formulas and other things generally included in the “fine print”.

Make your readers’ interests a priority, and you will grab and keep their attention.

How much do they already know about the subject?

Instead of reiterating the obvious, be sure you do not overload others with meaningless or repetitive details. But give enough background on the problem so they fully understand the situation.

While your primary audience may understand all the concepts and terms, your secondary readers may need more details because of their smaller degree of involvement.

Avoid using jargon for those readers outside your narrow field. You are only courting misunderstanding.

How much your readers know dictates what and how much extra information to include in which sections of your document.

STRUCTURE YOUR MESSAGE

So what is the answer to the dilemma when communicating with multiple readers who have varied interests, backgrounds and technical expertise? Structure.

Put your most important information to your most important reader up front. Lesserranking readers will need to read further to get the details they want.

HOW WILL THEY USE YOUR INFORMATION

Delivering a specific point in your document is your responsibility. Do you expect your readers to consider, discuss, act on, research or instruct others?

The answer to this question will help you decide whether to write, phone or meet face to face.

If your oral presentation or document is meant to keep them informed on new advances in their field, give a broad scope of the discovery and zero in on its significance for other projects and decisions.

If they are to use your information as the basis for a decision, present your case persuasively to win their cooperation.

Identify the “to whom it may concern” of your documents and oral presentations and customise your intentions and details accordingly. Clear intentions result in effective results.

— Source: Straits Times/Asia News Network

Article by Dianna Booher, keynote speaker, trainer and consultant on communication and life balance issues.

The Choice is Yours

When life throws you a challenge, are you equipped to choose the best option to deal with it?

ACTOR Robert de Niro once said: “The talent is in the choices.” In other words, you must make the best choice available to you at a given point of time. The more choices you have, the better the chances of achieving your desired outcome.

Two is better than one

In the philosophy of Neuro-linguistics Programming (NLP), if you have only one choice, it is not considered a choice at all.

If you have two or more choices, you have an opportunity to make the best decision to influence the outcome. You can draw on the vast resources of your brain to create choices for yourself. You can also reframe your problems and see them in a different perspective.

For example, you have a choice to remain as poor as a church mouse or to become more financially stable. You have a choice to be untidy or be organised. You have a choice to do it now or later. You have a choice to be complacent or to be alert to opportunity.

The Post-It lesson

The glue used in 3M Post-It pads was originally meant for fixed surfaces like bulletin boards. A 3M chemist, Arthur Fry, tried to find other uses for the glue but could not think of any.

One evening, while he was singing in church with his choir, a light breeze blew his hymn sheets away. At first, he was irritated. Then he had a creative, brilliant insight. The 3M glue could be used to stick paper onto paper! And the Post-It pad was born.

Fry received a yearly royalty for his invention, thanks to his committed desire to find a use for one of his company products.

No failure, only feedback

Sometimes you make the wrong choice and the result is failure. Take heart, making the wrong choice is better than not making any choices at all. At least, you take the initiative to act.

Failure is not the opposite of success, but its by-product. Inaction, apathy and tolerance of mediocrity are the opposites of success.

We learn valuable lessons from failure, such as taking the hard knocks in life. The lessons are not taught in formal universities but out in the street.

In NLP, there is no such thing as “failure”. Instead, failure is actually feedback that can be used to improve your performance. Failure is a necessary part of success. It is actually a step before success.

Many quit when confronted with failure, not knowing that the next step is success.

Domino theory

Tom Monaghan, the founder of the Domino’s Pizza chain, was only four years old when his father died. Poverty drove his mother to place him in an orphanage. Young Tom harboured two childhood dreams — to be a priest and to play in the Detroit Tigers, an American baseball team.

However, after a year of studying to be a priest in a seminary, he left. In 1960, he started Domino’s Pizza. Initially, it was very successful, but in the 1970s, he started losing control of the company because of rapid expansion. Domino’s was on the brink of bankruptcy.

By 1993, Tom Monaghan had rebuilt Domino’s Pizza into one of the largest pizza chains in America with a sales turnover that exceeded US$2.2 billion (RM7.3 billion).

So compelling was his dream to play in the Detroit Tigers that he purchased the entire team. He also remained Domino’s president. Had he given up during his bankruptcy, he would not have enjoyed Domino’s later success — and he would not have fulfilled his second childhood dream.

He chose to see his bout of failure as an opportunity to do even better. As Henry Ford once remarked: “Failure is the only opportunity to begin more intelligently.”

— Source: Straits Times/Asia News Network

Article contributed by Michael Lum, an American Board of NLP trainer.